Why is it that people assume that when someone is single that they must be depressed? I don't get this, it's like they can't even fathom that maybe I choose to be single right now. I am very happy with who I am and I am ok with being single. Even if I maybe never get married or have kids... that's ok. I'm not saying I don't want these things but rather, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.
But yet, I can't go to a party without someone asking are you married? 'No'. Are you seeing anyone? 'No'. Which seem like harmless questions and they are when they aren't followed with 'well that's okay' or 'don't worry, you'll find someone'. Yeah, thanks for your back-handed compliment, but I'm really ok, and not all that worried about it. Just because you have someone doesn't mean that you will live happily ever after.
I've had a few serious relationships, hell, I was engaged at one point, but I'm not going to settle. I know myself very well now and I know what I can and cannot compromise on, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I deserve something great, when and if it comes my way I'll know it. My standards aren't high, they are quite attainable but I will never be in a relationship longer than it's shelf life because I am afraid to be alone. Main reason being - I'm not afraid to be alone.
I almost feel sorry for some of the people I know that when their husband goes out of town they want a friend to come over and stay the night because they are too afraid to be by themselves. I don't understand this. Now some nay sayers might say ' she's never been in love', oh yes I have. But I feel even in the best of relationships, people need their space. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts sometimes, or taking that opportunity to read a book, or watch the sunset, or even take a nap.
So in short, if you run across someone and you ask if they are seeing anyone and they say 'No' don't feel sorry for them, just smile and ask what they've been up to!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Profound
A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:
'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.'
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.
'She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion.. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:
'Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion'.
I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work..
I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day... I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it.
I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words 'Someday...' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special. Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.
'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.'
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.
'She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion.. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:
'Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion'.
I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work..
I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day... I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it.
I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words 'Someday...' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special. Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Favorite Quotes
"Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels."
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
"Unguarded strength is a double weakness"
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
"Unguarded strength is a double weakness"
The End is near
Two of my very close friends are going through a divorce... they have been married for 20 years and he has been having an affair with another married woman for at least the past few months... my heart is broken for both of them and for my hope of the happily ever after...
You see if these two couldn't make it work... then I'm afraid there isn't much hope for the rest of us. Sad but true... I have grown up and been surrounded by people who never truly followed their wedding vows because apparently when you stand up in front of family and friends and pledge to love this person in sickness and in health and 'till death do us part... what you really mean is in good times maybe bad if they aren't too bad... in sickness only if it's the sniffles and in good health, and until I stop loving you or find someone better...
They were one of the few couples that I have known that have been together for 20 years and still went on dates and so obviously carried a torch for the other still... it was inspiring... something I desperately wanted... or so I thought.
Now I grant you know one knows what love is like behind closed doors unless you are one of them, but they seemed so happy and it didn't appear to just be on the surface... it appeared genuine and true, but maybe it was just that an illusion or maybe it really was that way until the clause in the vows came into effect... until I find someone better.
Makes you sad...
It's also incredibly difficult being friends with both, because people seem to be picking sides you can't be on both it's just one or the other... I'm trying to stay over here in Switzerland... she is absolutely heart broken, didn't see it coming and is now completely devastated. He won't really talk to anyone about anything so no one really knows how he's feeling... I almost can't say I blame him... he's probably embarrassed and depending on how you feel about marriage he did or didn't do the right thing... I've always been conflicted on marriage, I don't think you should stay if you don't love that person anymore it's not far to anyone. My issue is more with the words that are said in the vows, to me they seem incredibly unrealistic.
I'm trying to be there for her and for him at the same time... but it's challenging... I love them both and want both of them to get through this... I've known him longer but I care for them equally and I don't want either to feel that I'm taking sides... I just feel like I'm at a standstill... I'm not sure how she's going to get past this... even with all the people that care about her so much being there for... I suppose time will tell.
You see if these two couldn't make it work... then I'm afraid there isn't much hope for the rest of us. Sad but true... I have grown up and been surrounded by people who never truly followed their wedding vows because apparently when you stand up in front of family and friends and pledge to love this person in sickness and in health and 'till death do us part... what you really mean is in good times maybe bad if they aren't too bad... in sickness only if it's the sniffles and in good health, and until I stop loving you or find someone better...
They were one of the few couples that I have known that have been together for 20 years and still went on dates and so obviously carried a torch for the other still... it was inspiring... something I desperately wanted... or so I thought.
Now I grant you know one knows what love is like behind closed doors unless you are one of them, but they seemed so happy and it didn't appear to just be on the surface... it appeared genuine and true, but maybe it was just that an illusion or maybe it really was that way until the clause in the vows came into effect... until I find someone better.
Makes you sad...
It's also incredibly difficult being friends with both, because people seem to be picking sides you can't be on both it's just one or the other... I'm trying to stay over here in Switzerland... she is absolutely heart broken, didn't see it coming and is now completely devastated. He won't really talk to anyone about anything so no one really knows how he's feeling... I almost can't say I blame him... he's probably embarrassed and depending on how you feel about marriage he did or didn't do the right thing... I've always been conflicted on marriage, I don't think you should stay if you don't love that person anymore it's not far to anyone. My issue is more with the words that are said in the vows, to me they seem incredibly unrealistic.
I'm trying to be there for her and for him at the same time... but it's challenging... I love them both and want both of them to get through this... I've known him longer but I care for them equally and I don't want either to feel that I'm taking sides... I just feel like I'm at a standstill... I'm not sure how she's going to get past this... even with all the people that care about her so much being there for... I suppose time will tell.
Bucket List
En light of my epiphany the other night and feeling as though I have so many things I want to do... I have decided to start a bucket list of things I want to do, places I want to see and people I want to meet before my demise...
1. Backpack through Eastern Europe
2. Visit family in Germany
3. Travel to Australia see the opera house, Sydney and the Great Outback
4. Travel to Africa
5. Always keep improving and learning new things
6. Be a good friend
7. Be a good listener
8. Buy a house (done)
9. Don't focus too much on negative things
10. Get out of debt
11. No regrets
12. Be a person to be proud of
13. See the Grand Canyon
14. Be healthy
15. Keep secrets
16. Learn something new every day
17. Never be ashamed of who I am
18. Travel to New Zealand
19. Get nursing degree
20. Remember birthdays and anniversaries
21. Spend more time with family
22. Take time for friends
23. Travel to Thailand
(To be continued...)
1. Backpack through Eastern Europe
2. Visit family in Germany
3. Travel to Australia see the opera house, Sydney and the Great Outback
4. Travel to Africa
5. Always keep improving and learning new things
6. Be a good friend
7. Be a good listener
8. Buy a house (done)
9. Don't focus too much on negative things
10. Get out of debt
11. No regrets
12. Be a person to be proud of
13. See the Grand Canyon
14. Be healthy
15. Keep secrets
16. Learn something new every day
17. Never be ashamed of who I am
18. Travel to New Zealand
19. Get nursing degree
20. Remember birthdays and anniversaries
21. Spend more time with family
22. Take time for friends
23. Travel to Thailand
(To be continued...)
Catching up with old friends...
A friend of mine was in town this weekend from Portland, and I was able to get the night off and hang out with her. In hanging out with her I got to see some other old friends from High School too. We had a blast telling stories and catching up. Then in listening to some of their stories I started to get jealous. Here we all are nearly 30, and I thought I was doing good, I'm building a life for myself... I just bought a house, I have a great job, that I love and have been doing for the past 7 years. I'm thinking about going back to school and getting my nursing degree... then in dawned on me... I've been BUILDING a life... they've been LIVING a life!
They've all traveled all over the world, and been to all kinds of concerts and gotten to see some of the best bands in the world at some of the best places... and what have I been doing... WORKING?!?!?! Granted most of them barely have a dime to their name... but how incredible is that... one friend lived in Guatemala for a year! He was completely immersed in their culture for an entire year! That's incredible! I've done some traveling but there are still so many places I want to see and things I want to do! They've lived their life the way I've always wanted... one day at a time... embrace each day as though it's your last! Who cares about tomorrow, I'll worry about it if I wake up then...
Makes you think...
They've all traveled all over the world, and been to all kinds of concerts and gotten to see some of the best bands in the world at some of the best places... and what have I been doing... WORKING?!?!?! Granted most of them barely have a dime to their name... but how incredible is that... one friend lived in Guatemala for a year! He was completely immersed in their culture for an entire year! That's incredible! I've done some traveling but there are still so many places I want to see and things I want to do! They've lived their life the way I've always wanted... one day at a time... embrace each day as though it's your last! Who cares about tomorrow, I'll worry about it if I wake up then...
Makes you think...
Friday, April 17, 2009
Mitch All Together - Mitch Hedberg
My 2nd favorite comedian...
Mitch All Together
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned! I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damn it, we were almost there!"
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'."
I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "Add sugar to".
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm but them 'fellas didn't grow shit. I said "C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen." That's the new part.
I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause "The customer's always right."
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch All Together
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned! I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damn it, we were almost there!"
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'."
I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "Add sugar to".
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm but them 'fellas didn't grow shit. I said "C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen." That's the new part.
I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause "The customer's always right."
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
No Parent Left Behind Act
You’ve heard of the “No Child Left Behind Act” – ensuring adequate educational opportunities for every child, regardless of his or her income or intelligence level? Below is an argument for “No Parent Left Behind.”
These are real notes written by parents in a New York school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had (strikethrough:diahre) (strikethrough: dyrea) (strikethrough:direathe) the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Strong Work
This is by far my favorite blog written by Kristin Hilton:
I actually remember both of these calls.
Strong Work
Monday, March 26, 2007
My mind recalls with great clarity, one distinctly horrific, beautiful night. A picture has been painted in hues of solemnity and gravity that will not soon be erased. I remember the call came in as a level one full arrest, mid-forties male, intubated, CPR in progress. The trauma bay was ready, crash cart ready, step stool at beside. Within minutes the automatic ambulance bay doors opened (sometimes I wish they'd open faster) and a medic rushed through pushing the yellow stretcher, another medic mounted on the side furiously pumping this apneic man's chest. We moved him over to the hospital bed, drugs ready, doctor at bedside. A fortunate EMT student took over the task of compressions, hand over hand, pushing for life. (The step stool comes in handy so the one doing compressions can employ gravity in the hardwork.) CPR is quite the cardiovascular activity, both for the person giving and the one recieving. This young student was faithfully and forcefully doing compressions; beads of sweat doing a dance-off down his face.
I quickly, yet futily tried to draw blood-it refused to come - it wasn't being circulated to the extremities. The doctor had one hand firmly pressing the femoral artery, the other hand, finger tapping lip, eyes intently on the monitor watching the little waves and huge spikes (that action was mostly compressions and drugs). I kept my free hand on the carotid, hoping my hand would move from the pulse underneath it, and only did it move slightly, in time with the compressions. Already our patient had been given sucs, atropine, epi, bi-carb, and pretty much ever other drug that would be of use. The doctor said, "Hold compressions." Worn out from his workout, the student stepped off the stool and we all affixed our eyes on the monitor and I kept feeling for a pulse. Nothing. The little waves stopped. Another forty minutes we worked, and I alternated the compressions with the student to give him a break. Family was right outside the door. The doctor, hand still on the femoral, glanced up at the red digital numbers and said "2340."
Almost as quickly as we gathered around him, most of us left the room. I stayed to make him presentable - I wiped the froth from his face that had dripped from the ET tube in his throat, I covered him with a white sheet, made sure his eyes were closed. Now the family could come see him, and they did. They wept over their newly deceased brother, husband, son. The father seemed to take it the hardest. This was his oldest son who would never open his mouth to form the words "I love you dad" ever again. After several minutes, the family left; I reached to the item in the bin labeled "body bag" and with the help of the student and a coworker, I packaged the patient in his new plastic apparel and zipped his face from the world. We took him on a ride through the halls and down the elevator to the lower level. Here we opened the cold metal doors on a structure that resembles an industrial refrigerator and pulling out the rack, we moved his stiff, heavy body onto the tray and sent it back into the cooler. The doors of this chilled temporary coffin closed as did his life. Every time I push the empty stretcher back to the ER after relocating a patient to the morgue, a feeling of sadness comes, subtle regret. Regret that this person's life is over; certainly not what he had planned for that day. Neccisity pushes those thoughts out of mind, and leaves them in the hallway behind me.
Almost exactly two hours later, another call came in "priority, mid-sixties male, full arrest, intubated, CPR in progress." Here we go again. Within five minutes, the bay doors slid open again and in came a medic pushing the yellow stretcher, the other medic mounted on the side doing compressions. Several of us recognized the crew; they brought in the first full arrest. Ironic? Not really. Here's the irony: this man on the stretcher we had seen before too, however, not as a patient but as a loving father, weeping over his son who left life at 2340. Yes, this was the father of the patient we worked two hours ago.
The routine of drugs and compressions began, and the minutes ticked. The thing different about this time was that all the family was at the bedside, and in particular, his wife. She was holding his limp hand and loudly demanding him over and over, "Get up! Get up! Levantate! I'm not losing both of you today. Wake up! You're not dying tonight. Come on, wake up! Levantate!" She kept up this routine and we kept up ours. "Hold compressions." We all looked at the monitor - the waves didn't stop - they kept right on going, and my hand on the carotid, doctor's hand on the femoral...we had a pulse! Job successful! His wife was right, he didn't die that night. She stayed right beside him, refusing to let him die, demanding him back to life.
In this line of work, you win some, you lose some. It's always sad when you lose, and always great when you win. I wish I could find that student and say, "Strong work, son, Strong work!"
I actually remember both of these calls.
Strong Work
Monday, March 26, 2007
My mind recalls with great clarity, one distinctly horrific, beautiful night. A picture has been painted in hues of solemnity and gravity that will not soon be erased. I remember the call came in as a level one full arrest, mid-forties male, intubated, CPR in progress. The trauma bay was ready, crash cart ready, step stool at beside. Within minutes the automatic ambulance bay doors opened (sometimes I wish they'd open faster) and a medic rushed through pushing the yellow stretcher, another medic mounted on the side furiously pumping this apneic man's chest. We moved him over to the hospital bed, drugs ready, doctor at bedside. A fortunate EMT student took over the task of compressions, hand over hand, pushing for life. (The step stool comes in handy so the one doing compressions can employ gravity in the hardwork.) CPR is quite the cardiovascular activity, both for the person giving and the one recieving. This young student was faithfully and forcefully doing compressions; beads of sweat doing a dance-off down his face.
I quickly, yet futily tried to draw blood-it refused to come - it wasn't being circulated to the extremities. The doctor had one hand firmly pressing the femoral artery, the other hand, finger tapping lip, eyes intently on the monitor watching the little waves and huge spikes (that action was mostly compressions and drugs). I kept my free hand on the carotid, hoping my hand would move from the pulse underneath it, and only did it move slightly, in time with the compressions. Already our patient had been given sucs, atropine, epi, bi-carb, and pretty much ever other drug that would be of use. The doctor said, "Hold compressions." Worn out from his workout, the student stepped off the stool and we all affixed our eyes on the monitor and I kept feeling for a pulse. Nothing. The little waves stopped. Another forty minutes we worked, and I alternated the compressions with the student to give him a break. Family was right outside the door. The doctor, hand still on the femoral, glanced up at the red digital numbers and said "2340."
Almost as quickly as we gathered around him, most of us left the room. I stayed to make him presentable - I wiped the froth from his face that had dripped from the ET tube in his throat, I covered him with a white sheet, made sure his eyes were closed. Now the family could come see him, and they did. They wept over their newly deceased brother, husband, son. The father seemed to take it the hardest. This was his oldest son who would never open his mouth to form the words "I love you dad" ever again. After several minutes, the family left; I reached to the item in the bin labeled "body bag" and with the help of the student and a coworker, I packaged the patient in his new plastic apparel and zipped his face from the world. We took him on a ride through the halls and down the elevator to the lower level. Here we opened the cold metal doors on a structure that resembles an industrial refrigerator and pulling out the rack, we moved his stiff, heavy body onto the tray and sent it back into the cooler. The doors of this chilled temporary coffin closed as did his life. Every time I push the empty stretcher back to the ER after relocating a patient to the morgue, a feeling of sadness comes, subtle regret. Regret that this person's life is over; certainly not what he had planned for that day. Neccisity pushes those thoughts out of mind, and leaves them in the hallway behind me.
Almost exactly two hours later, another call came in "priority, mid-sixties male, full arrest, intubated, CPR in progress." Here we go again. Within five minutes, the bay doors slid open again and in came a medic pushing the yellow stretcher, the other medic mounted on the side doing compressions. Several of us recognized the crew; they brought in the first full arrest. Ironic? Not really. Here's the irony: this man on the stretcher we had seen before too, however, not as a patient but as a loving father, weeping over his son who left life at 2340. Yes, this was the father of the patient we worked two hours ago.
The routine of drugs and compressions began, and the minutes ticked. The thing different about this time was that all the family was at the bedside, and in particular, his wife. She was holding his limp hand and loudly demanding him over and over, "Get up! Get up! Levantate! I'm not losing both of you today. Wake up! You're not dying tonight. Come on, wake up! Levantate!" She kept up this routine and we kept up ours. "Hold compressions." We all looked at the monitor - the waves didn't stop - they kept right on going, and my hand on the carotid, doctor's hand on the femoral...we had a pulse! Job successful! His wife was right, he didn't die that night. She stayed right beside him, refusing to let him die, demanding him back to life.
In this line of work, you win some, you lose some. It's always sad when you lose, and always great when you win. I wish I could find that student and say, "Strong work, son, Strong work!"
Job Security
So tonight we get a call of a guy that accidentally shot himself in the head...
He had just finished taking all of the bullets out of his pistol and cleaning his gun when he decides to show his friend a trick...
"Hey watch this" (famous last words) holds the gun up to his head and proceeds to pull the trigger over and over again. Now he gets through this about 4 times and nothing happens, but the 5th time... bang. He shot himself in the head! His friend calls and tells us what happened, then said he was shaking so I covered his head with a shirt and ran outside to call 911. The call taker had a hard time convincing him to go back in and help his friend.
Now I'm no gun expert! But one of the first things I remember learning about guns is don't aim a gun (loaded or unloaded) at anyone unless you intend to kill. Needless to say when the crew arrived there was nothing they could do.
He had just finished taking all of the bullets out of his pistol and cleaning his gun when he decides to show his friend a trick...
"Hey watch this" (famous last words) holds the gun up to his head and proceeds to pull the trigger over and over again. Now he gets through this about 4 times and nothing happens, but the 5th time... bang. He shot himself in the head! His friend calls and tells us what happened, then said he was shaking so I covered his head with a shirt and ran outside to call 911. The call taker had a hard time convincing him to go back in and help his friend.
Now I'm no gun expert! But one of the first things I remember learning about guns is don't aim a gun (loaded or unloaded) at anyone unless you intend to kill. Needless to say when the crew arrived there was nothing they could do.
Paddy Red's
Tues Night:
Tonight we celebrate her life!
Her impact was so incredible! A friend of mine that work's at a psychiatrists office told me today that the doctor's she works with were affected by this as well! That she was their favorite tech!
All of us go out every other Tuesday night and she came out with us quite a bit! That's actually how I met her. She was dating a friend of mine at the time. So it seemed fitting that we all celebrate her life at this very place!
The turn out was incredible! About 30 of her friends showed up to pay tribute to her memory. Someone bought her favorite shot a washington apple and set it in the middle of the table just for her! Another girl Jayme brought some beautiful blue flowers for her!
Several times throughout the night, I would look at the door... just waiting for her to come in. I just felt like at any moment she would walk through the door and wonder what all the fuss was about. She'd probably laugh at all of us for the huge deal we made out of everything.
The mood for the entire night was happy and fun - just what she would have wanted! Sharing fun stories about her.
At the end of the night we all took a shot of her favorite drink in her memory!
A night I will never forget :)
Tonight we celebrate her life!
Her impact was so incredible! A friend of mine that work's at a psychiatrists office told me today that the doctor's she works with were affected by this as well! That she was their favorite tech!
All of us go out every other Tuesday night and she came out with us quite a bit! That's actually how I met her. She was dating a friend of mine at the time. So it seemed fitting that we all celebrate her life at this very place!
The turn out was incredible! About 30 of her friends showed up to pay tribute to her memory. Someone bought her favorite shot a washington apple and set it in the middle of the table just for her! Another girl Jayme brought some beautiful blue flowers for her!
Several times throughout the night, I would look at the door... just waiting for her to come in. I just felt like at any moment she would walk through the door and wonder what all the fuss was about. She'd probably laugh at all of us for the huge deal we made out of everything.
The mood for the entire night was happy and fun - just what she would have wanted! Sharing fun stories about her.
At the end of the night we all took a shot of her favorite drink in her memory!
A night I will never forget :)
Funeral
Kristin's funeral was beautiful... the weather was absolutely perfect! The turnout for the service was incredible! I feel so fortunately to have even known her, although, I was only just getting to know her.
There was a sea of blue... her favorite color. So many people were wearing blue, a lot of people were wearing blue scrubs.
I heard someone say that the procession to the burial site was nearly 2 miles long. I believe it! To say her impact on people was profound, would not be accurate enough! Everyone who met her fell in love with her smile instantly! Her laughter and smile were infectious as was her thirst for knowledge!
I only wish she had known the impact that she had on so many!! Maybe... just maybe...
There was a sea of blue... her favorite color. So many people were wearing blue, a lot of people were wearing blue scrubs.
I heard someone say that the procession to the burial site was nearly 2 miles long. I believe it! To say her impact on people was profound, would not be accurate enough! Everyone who met her fell in love with her smile instantly! Her laughter and smile were infectious as was her thirst for knowledge!
I only wish she had known the impact that she had on so many!! Maybe... just maybe...
Memorial Service
Kristin Michelle Hilton, born January 04, 1986. She left us in search of rest and peace on April 7, 2009.
To say that Kristin’s vocation was as a life saver would vastly understate her mission on earth. She was a life giver to all of us who were blessed to know her. She loved beauty, she loved excellence, she loved her family, she loved those she cared for and those she worked with. Serving was her life and to those she loved, she gave. She gave a part of herself to each of us. She gave and gave and gave even more. But there were so many of us, only one of her. Ultimately, she gave out.
To know Kristin is to know a piece of a puzzle. But no one person had the whole puzzle. If you have a piece of her puzzle, please join us. If you can help us shoulder our loss, please join us. If you wish to celebrate her life, please join us. If you wish, you are welcome to wear blue, her favorite color. She will be wearing scrubs, of course.
The memorial service will be this Monday at 2:00 pm at Calvary Cathedral International. There will be a time of fellowship and food after the burial at Mount Olivet which is down the road from the church. The visitation is Easter Sunday from 6-8 pm at Mount Olivet, you can google it for directions. If y'all have any questions feel free to contact me on facebook.Your prayers are greatly appreciated as well as the amazing support God has blessed us with. I know she had a huge impact on everyone around her. If you have a memory, story, anything at all please send me a message with that. There will also be an opportunity to do this after the service. PLEASE PASS THE WORD! it is hard to contact everybody so please it would be awesome if y'all could help spread the word. We want everybody to know they are welcome!!
God is good even in times of trouble. Kristin wanted to live her life only to serve and honor her Savior and King Jesus Christ.
-In Christ,
Amy Hilton
She was so young...
The next couple of days were really rough... we started getting bits and pieces of more information. We found out how she did it, she started an IV in her foot, gave herself etomidate and I think vec, I really have to think she had planned it for a while. The last anyone heard from her was on Tues by text about mid afternoon. It's believed that she either did it on Tues or Wed. When she was found she had been there a while, she had written several drafts for the suicide note. No one knows what the final one says the police still have it. But some of the drafts just said I'm sorry I'm tired. She had turned the thermostat down to about 50 degrees. I believe she had planned it, that she didn't want to survive it, that she didn't want to be wheeled into JPS and worked on by her peers. Or be in a coma in ICU. It all still just seems so unreal to me! She always seemed so happy! She was just so young, only 23 years old!
I kind of think that maybe this was something she might have been struggling with and she just didn't want anyone to know. Maybe she was embarrassed or maybe she just didn't want to burden anyone with her problems. I don't know! I just feel so numb, it all seems like a bad dream that I'm so desperately ready to wake from.
I was kind of disappointed that I missed the viewing, it ended up being on Easter Sunday, and I had to work. Trying to get someone to work for you on Easter is let's just say not easy.
I kind of think that maybe this was something she might have been struggling with and she just didn't want anyone to know. Maybe she was embarrassed or maybe she just didn't want to burden anyone with her problems. I don't know! I just feel so numb, it all seems like a bad dream that I'm so desperately ready to wake from.
I was kind of disappointed that I missed the viewing, it ended up being on Easter Sunday, and I had to work. Trying to get someone to work for you on Easter is let's just say not easy.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Loss of a friend...
Last week, I'd been having a rough week... when I woke up last Thursday and got ready to come in to work I thought it was going to be a good day... I had no idea...
So we get a 911 call, I didn't answer it a colleague of mine, Gary, did. I was on the radio at the time. The call was given to us by a man that advised he found his daughter, that she had committed suicide and was dead that she had been there a while and was beyond the point of help. Gary, after giving off the phone was sharing the details of the call with us. He had said that the father had told him that she was an EMT and had started an IV on herself to give her self an overdose of medication and killed herself. We all sat and thought trying to figure out who this person could be, none of us recognized the address.
So the crew that was dispatched to the call made the scene and advised they would need PD that the patient was in fact dead. All of us where patiently (OK not really) waiting for the crew to clear so we could call them and find out if it was anyone we knew. Before this could happen we get a phone call from the field supervisor advising that the crew will need to be unavailable because they knew the patient. My gears are spinning, I can't figure it out.
So then Gary gets another phone call from the supervisor and he's asking who the patient was, he says it was Kristin Hilton, Gary said he didn't know who it was but said he'd let us all know. So Gary gets off the phone and tells me it's someone named Christy Hilty, I can't think of who it might be... then he said wait I think he said Kristin. I'm still not sure who he's talking about and I'm racking my brain for any Kristin I know, and any of them that might have been depressed or having problems... the only one that immediately comes to mind that might fall into that description Gary knew. Then it hit me it's not Hilty it's Kristin Hilton.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!! NOT FOR A MINUTE!! She is such a happy person!!! No way!! It's a different Kristin. Shortly after I get confirmation, it was her. I don't understand... I'm completely numb, I've never seen her with so much as a frown on her face... how is this possible? How does this happen? Someone kills themself with absolutely no warning?
The news spread like wildfire, within a couple of hours pretty much everyone knew what had happened. The only response you hear from anyone is, she was always so happy!
And then something amazing happens... I love my job, and the place I work and the people that I work with. But I am always reminded when something bad like this happens just how much I love it here. Everyone banded together to mourn to grieve and to get each other through this. It is so incredible to witness! I feel so blessed and honored to consider these people my family!
So we get a 911 call, I didn't answer it a colleague of mine, Gary, did. I was on the radio at the time. The call was given to us by a man that advised he found his daughter, that she had committed suicide and was dead that she had been there a while and was beyond the point of help. Gary, after giving off the phone was sharing the details of the call with us. He had said that the father had told him that she was an EMT and had started an IV on herself to give her self an overdose of medication and killed herself. We all sat and thought trying to figure out who this person could be, none of us recognized the address.
So the crew that was dispatched to the call made the scene and advised they would need PD that the patient was in fact dead. All of us where patiently (OK not really) waiting for the crew to clear so we could call them and find out if it was anyone we knew. Before this could happen we get a phone call from the field supervisor advising that the crew will need to be unavailable because they knew the patient. My gears are spinning, I can't figure it out.
So then Gary gets another phone call from the supervisor and he's asking who the patient was, he says it was Kristin Hilton, Gary said he didn't know who it was but said he'd let us all know. So Gary gets off the phone and tells me it's someone named Christy Hilty, I can't think of who it might be... then he said wait I think he said Kristin. I'm still not sure who he's talking about and I'm racking my brain for any Kristin I know, and any of them that might have been depressed or having problems... the only one that immediately comes to mind that might fall into that description Gary knew. Then it hit me it's not Hilty it's Kristin Hilton.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!! NOT FOR A MINUTE!! She is such a happy person!!! No way!! It's a different Kristin. Shortly after I get confirmation, it was her. I don't understand... I'm completely numb, I've never seen her with so much as a frown on her face... how is this possible? How does this happen? Someone kills themself with absolutely no warning?
The news spread like wildfire, within a couple of hours pretty much everyone knew what had happened. The only response you hear from anyone is, she was always so happy!
And then something amazing happens... I love my job, and the place I work and the people that I work with. But I am always reminded when something bad like this happens just how much I love it here. Everyone banded together to mourn to grieve and to get each other through this. It is so incredible to witness! I feel so blessed and honored to consider these people my family!
New to this
Ok, so I'm really new to this blogging thing. So if there is anyone out there reading these please bare with me. I've been going through some hard things and a friend of mine suggested using this as an outlet.
Sounds like a good idea... so here goes nothing :)
Sounds like a good idea... so here goes nothing :)
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