Mitch All Together - Mitch Hedberg

My 2nd favorite comedian...

Mitch All Together
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned! I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damn it, we were almost there!"

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'."

I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "Add sugar to".

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm but them 'fellas didn't grow shit. I said "C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen." That's the new part.

I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause "The customer's always right."

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.